Confessions Of An Ugly Girl

On Tuesday I am getting braces.

ON TUESDAY THE 23RD OF JUNE, A 32 YEAR OLD WOMAN IS GETTING BRACES!

I feel like that is how it should sound. Yelling. Seems appropriate.

I have tried to picture myself with straight teeth and I can’t. I even tried to Photoshop straight teeth onto myself but it looks freakish. I just have to wait out.

For my entire life I have had crooked teeth. I’m really connecting with my English ancestors on that one. Well, not my entire life. As a kid, I had perfect pearly whites. Don’t all kids have perfect teeth? I bet they do. But then they fall out. And gigantic, weird, out-of-place adult teeth grow in their place. In my case, they grew wherever they wanted.

When I was about 9 is when it got really bad. I was running or playing or something at school and I fell. I fell face first onto the edge of a sidewalk. The pointy part where the walking part makes a 90 degree angle toward the road. There was a lot of blood. I was rushed to the dentist for emergency surgery or something. I don’t remember much. I got the happy gas. After that, my teeth were more crooked and I have  chip in my front tooth that could never easily be fixed because it would just fall off if it was.

So I have lived almost my entire life with crooked teeth. I was definitely not the popular girl. It made me jealous of boys. Boys could be ugly and be popular. I never understood that. Girls could be ugly and popular if they were funny. I wasn’t that funny. I was awkward.

5th grade. Coke bottle glasses. Awkward outfit. Bad hair. I can’t believe I’m posting this.

I made the best of it. I never smiled with my teeth showing, unless it was at home with family. Dressed as normal as I could during grade school so I wouldn’t stick out much. In high school I started dressing more unique. I figured if I couldn’t be hot, I could at least be cute. So I had cute hairstyles in fun colors and wore pink and purple plastic pants. They were all the rage. Don’t judge. I flirted with the idea of being a model. You can laugh now.

My failed attempt at a modeling photo shoot

I always had a boyfriend. No shortage of love interests. Even ugly people get dates if they want one. I had some pretty cute boyfriends in my heyday.

Here, have another

It was easy to pretend my teeth didn’t bother me. And they didn’t. Until some little kid would ask me if I was a vampire. Oh, the honesty of babes. You could just shake them. Any self-esteem I had on a day when a kid popped that magical question would vanish as quickly as it appeared.

My parents always told me how unique I was and how pretty I was. They were so sweet and supportive. My dad thinks my teeth make me, me. Some of you are probably wondering why my parents just didn’t get me braces like every other teenager on the planet. Well, insurance didn’t cover braces then like they do now. Plus my family wasn’t rolling in the money. And I never really asked for them.

The house I grew up in. Notice, no teeth showing.

As I’ve gotten older and had to take care of my own dental care, dentists started harassing me about it. They all complain about how hard it is to clean my teeth because they are so close together. They all ask me if I have ever thought about braces. Do they think I don’t have a mirror?

I’ve also gained weight since high school, as have most people. I can’t blame it on a baby. #childfreeforlife. It’s just laziness and bad genes. Overweight, crooked teeth and glasses. I have hit the trifecta baby.

I’ve always wanted to whiten my teeth, especially when that was a huge fad and everyone was doing it. Because my teeth are crooked, whitening trays/strips won’t fit right and only half my teeth get white. That looks fun.

A few years ago I got LASIK. Around the time I fell and cracked my tooth, I also had been given glasses. And in the late 80’s/90’s, we’re talking big ol’ coke bottle lens type of glasses. When I was in 7th grade my parents let me get contacts. Best. Day. Ever. Until I got LASIK that is. That was the best investment I ever made. It was scary but oh so worth it.

I have finally broken down and realized that braces will be the same thing and the same investment. Though this is a much bigger investment and takes 2 years as opposed to a 15 minute LASIK surgery. Worth it? I won’t have a chip in my tooth either. On my ‘orthodontic plan’ is a cosmetic veneer to replace my chip. Plus a whole whitening treatment at the end of the braces tunnel.

I’m also not getting a mouth full of metal braces. I’m getting Invisalign. I can remove them to eat plus they are clear so people can’t tell too much. They are still going to feel like I got punched in the face while they move my teeth around. At the end of my ‘treatment’, I am supposed to get a mouth full of metal. For a few months. If I want 100% straight teeth.

I might be OK with just 85%.